When I got married, there was a lady who’d often give me advice whenever our paths crossed. I loved her. Truly, I still do. She was a funny person so naturally, she and I really bonded. She had a way of speaking about marriage that made it feel both beautiful and sacred. She was quick to advise on marital matters, yet she never spoke from bitterness. In fact, she spoke with excitement, hope, and humour. Marriage, in her eyes, was something to be nurtured with patience, wisdom, and self-respect.

She was young, married early, yet remarkably wise and grounded. She would remind you to love your spouse in every circumstance, to give your best as a woman, but never to lose yourself in the process. Especially not while sacrificing your dignity for someone else’s ‘foolishness’. Her positivity was contagious, and I always looked forward to her company because being around her felt light, reassuring, and uplifting.

One day, I visited her home and sensed an unusual tension. There was chaos. Subtle, but present. It wasn’t something I wasn’t privy to as she had dropped hints before. Still, I was surprised that the issues persisted, because hers was one of the marriages I had admired deeply. In an intimate conversation with others, she made a statement that caught me off guard: “Even if you do everything they ask for, they can still mess up and make you miserable. So just do your best and leave the rest to God.”

We all laughed it off because of the dismissive way she said it, but coming from her, it struck something within me. Months later, she confided in me how she had chosen to overlook certain things, forgave her husband, worked on herself, and tried to move on. Yet, the pain of betrayal never truly left. A few years later, that beautiful marriage I once knew quietly came to an end.

Growing up, I’d observed family talk about the uncouth and ill mannered behavior of one woman who they believed by ‘all standards’ had terrible character. Yet, she was married to an exceptionally kind and patient man. A man who adored her, endured her flaws, and constantly sought peace in his home by solving every trouble she brought. To them, she was simply not a woman deserving of such a fine gentleman. Everyone expected that marriage to crumble someday but somehow, till the time of writing this, they have lived what many would call a “happily ever after.”

From my little corner of the world, I have observed many kinds of marriages. Some chaotic, some calm and tender. Some heartbreaking, others so beautiful they make you fall in love again and again.

What I have come to appreciate is this: good marriages can end, and seemingly terrible marriages can last until death parts them. Every marriage carries something beautiful and unique within it, just as every marriage holds something capable of breaking it apart. While we often attribute marital success or failure to personality differences, upbringing, commitment levels, compatibility, or communication, the truth remains that the ultimate sustainer of marriage is Allah.

If, through our actions, we invite Shayṭān into our homes, we should not expect Allah to preserve what we are actively destroying. Marriage cannot survive without God. Never!

So when you hear people’s marital stories, when you read them online and form opinions, tread carefully. Be guarded with your words and mindful of your reactions. Think twice before laughing at someone’s marital ordeal, because you never know when it may be your turn. A marriage you cherish today can unravel in a moment you never anticipated.

And to those who fear marriage because you’re constantly surrounded by unhappy unions, where every story you hear is heavy, painful, or discouraging. Remember this: For every ten troubled marriages you hear about, there are just as many beautiful ones flourishing quietly. Healthy marriages don’t always make noise. They’re often lived in peace, patience, and gratitude. Don’t let the loudness of broken stories drown out the silent testimony of love done right.

May Allah place mawaddah and rahmah in our marriages, protect our homes from trials we cannot bear, and grant us humility, compassion, and wisdom in how we speak of others. Ameen.

Her First Pet

 Early this morning, my baby had her first experience of death and for me, it was the first time witnessing those final moments. Hopefully, the very last.

We woke up to find her pet bunny, whom she fondly named Sherry Pops, lying helpless in her cage. A position we had never seen before. She was breathing heavily, and for a brief moment I felt a little relief, thinking it might just be an illness, especially since we had not noticed any signs of her being unwell in the previous days. But as I watched more closely, trying to figure out how to help, I noticed her struggling to breathe, her body shifting while she passed stool. With the little knowledge I have of what happens when a soul departs, I instinctively began reciting “Laa ilaaha illallah.” Honestly, I didn’t know whether it would mean anything for an animal, but I felt compelled to say it, hoping that somehow, hearing it might ease her pain until she stopped breathing .

Breaking the news to my daughter was incredibly difficult, and watching her reaction broke my heart even more. I thought that as a child she might not fully grasp the finality of death, but she cried so deeply. Her grieving came in waves. From tears to blaming her father for not watching the bunny-care videos she had asked him to, to questioning why we didn’t get two bunnies like she wanted, and why we never considered taking Sherry Pops to a vet.

We used the moment to explain death to her and remind her that Allah does as He wills. We tried to help her understand that no matter how much we loved Sherry Pops, Allah loved her more, and even if we had done everything she wished, when it is time for a soul to leave, nothing we do can stop it. She had an exam and we worried the sadness would weigh on her day. But, as children often do, she found comfort quickly. We gave her something she loved and it helped lift her spirits before school, though the sadness returned when she came back home.

Knowing how deeply one can be affected by the loss of a pet, I’ve always avoided having any after caring for some abandoned kittens in the past who died a few weeks later, until we had Sherry Pops. Now, I’m the one feeling down because she’s no more and I’m being warned that if I let it affect me too much, we won’t be permitted to have another one. I couldn’t help but share a tear. 

How do those of you with pets deal with their losses? This is my second time and it feels terrible. I’ve been questioning myself for perhaps, not doing well enough.

POLYGAMY, INTENTIONS AND THE CONSEQUENCES WE OFTEN IGNORE.

 I’ve had only one major concern about polygamy and as the years go by, it keeps growing. Nearly 98% of the polygamous marriages I’ve witnessed or read about online seem to unfold in ways that are ugly, unfair, and carried out with little to no fear of Allah.

Time and again, I’ve found myself explaining to non-Muslims and even some Muslims, that a man does not need his first wife’s permission to marry a second or third wife. Islam does not require her approval. What it requires is truthfulness, sincerity, and the utmost respect when informing her of his intentions. And yes, sometimes that news is met with intense emotions, resistance, and an entire brouhaha about why he shouldn’t proceed.

But a man whose intentions from the very core of his being, are rooted in truly loving and fearing Allah will not be derailed by emotional storms. He will handle the process with peace, clarity, and integrity because obedience to Allah is never built on deceit.

Unfortunately, that’s where the real problem begins: when men are met with all the fire their first wives have; fire they knew existed and fire they never imagined, many often resort to doing things the wrong way. Some don’t even bother informing their wives at all. Instead, she is suddenly visited by elders from his family and told, only then, that he is already married. 

And this brings me to the deeper concern.

I understand that women can become extremely adamant in their resistance to second or third wives. But before a man decides to simply dismiss what he calls her “tantrums” and do as he pleases, shouldn’t he look beyond himself and the two or three women involved?

For the men who go ahead and marry secretly, have you ever paused to look past your desires and reflect on the future you’re shaping? Have you ever considered the decades or lifelong enmity you ignite by taking one major decision without proper procedure?

How does it feel knowing you now have two or three wives who may find each other utterly despicable? How do you explain to Allah that, because of your lack of good judgment, honesty, and communication, you created two families that cannot see eye to eye?

How will you explain to the children born into these marriages why their mothers avoid each other like enemies? Why the atmosphere around “siblings from the other side” feels tense and uncomfortable? 

At best, while you are alive, the children of these women will acknowledge that they share a father. But the moment you die, that’s when the real enmity begins. Passed down effortlessly into the next generation as an inheritance nobody asked for.

At the end of the day, Polygamy itself is not the problem. The lack of sincerity, transparency, preparation, and fear of Allah in practicing it is what destroys homes, shatters trust, and plants seeds of lifelong hostility. A man who truly fears Allah will never build a marriage on silence, secrecy, or shortcuts. Because what begins in deceit rarely ends in peace. If only men knew how much damage one hidden marriage can cause. If only they understood how deeply their silence can wound. If only they realized how long the hatred lasts after they are gone, perhaps, they would think twice. Perhaps they would fear Allah more than their desires.

Polygamy demands maturity, fairness, and God-consciousness from everyone involved. The man, the first wife, the later wives, and the extended families around them. When any of these qualities are missing, the entire structure wobbles. This is why the only polygamous homes that truly succeed are those where communication is clear, respect is maintained, and Allah remains at the center of every decision.

May Allah guide our men to uphold justice, guide our women to respond with wisdom, and guide all of us to approach marriage in whatever form, with sincerity and taqwa. May we create homes that are built on truth, not tension, on faith, not fear and in sincerity, not secrecy.

Because at the end of it all, every decision you make becomes a legacy for the next generation. Whether you intended it or not.

As posted on Facebook on 11th Dec, 2025.

THE OLD AND DEMENTIA/ALZHEIMER'S

During a brief errand, I visited a home I'd known for six years and left deeply affected. The head of the household, who used to recognize me as "Ayisha, so and so's wife," would inquire about my family and engage in heartfelt Hausa conversations. He was one of the few individuals in that household with whom I could comfortably converse in Hausa. However, today, the effects of dementia or Alzheimer's have left our connection fragmented and me shattered.

This year, as an ailment had consumed him for two long years, his speech had become slurred and significantly delayed. It took considerable time, and sometimes even his recognition was uncertain. Our usual simple conversations had become impossible, as he struggled to articulate words, leaving me standing there in bewilderment. I turned my attention to his wife, who had grown thin and frail from caring for him throughout these challenging years. This was just one of the numerous heartbreaking scenarios I've encountered.

It's incredibly distressing to witness individuals who used to warmly mention your name and embrace you whenever they saw you now struggling to recognize or remember you due to the gradual deterioration of their memories and essential mental functions caused by a disease. Many in our societies have faced similar challenges and regrettably been unfairly stigmatized. Whenever I encounter such situations, I can't help but fear for my own old age, if I'll ever live to see it.

Today, during my Eid Reflections, I choose to dedicate my thoughts to those who are battling to maintain their health. I remember the countless family members who stand by their side, providing unwavering support during their time of illness. These individuals often endure physical, emotional, psychological, and financial strains in caring for their loved ones.

May all of us, including those facing these challenges, find peace and tranquility in every aspect of our lives, wherever we may be in the world. May the trials we endure today return to us on the Day of Reckoning as accrued blessings beyond measure.

And I pray that as we navigate our daily lives, we take moments to offer prayers for those who cross our minds, extending kindness and empathy to those in need.

Eid Mubarak! May Allah accept from us. Aameen.

Death Should Make Us Reflect

In our times, if you attend an Islamic funeral, the best for you, a striving believer, is to sit far from people if you want to reflect upon death and be reciting your zhikrs. At first, I thought you only had to stay away from those you know but it seems you'd simply have to stay away from nearly all human interactions. 

People gossip while the body is still warm and yet to be buried. People laugh, even louder while the dead is being bathed. And people swear and cuss without realising that they could be the ones waiting to be prayed upon.

And when it's decided that the third day will be observed as a 'du'a' day for the dead, people troop in just to fight over rabbo (gifts) and food shared at the funeral grounds. The rabbo was initiated in order to serve as sadaqa (or continuous charity) on behalf of the dead (as I recall growing up) but it has now lost its relevance. People fight over it right at the funeral grounds and others get pissed at the person sharing them for either not giving them some, not giving them enough or not letting them have what they wanted from it. Some of the rabbos are even preserved for 'protocols'. Protocols, even at the funeral.

Our people shout for people to make merry at our funerals. We pridefully eat and enjoy while laughing heartily with the bereaved. People actually have fun at Islamic funerals these days.

In all of this, I ask myself, Who Are The Company You Keep? Do you have a family that upholds Islam even in death?! Do you have friends that have sense? Forget about who will cry; Who will genuinely pray for you when you die and continuosly remember to do so?! And how are they going to send you off?!

May Allah guide us and the entire ummah. The people supposed to live Islam are scarier by day.

Growth!

As many great minds have said, "It is only a fool that never changes his mind." As you grow, you understand how trivial some things are in the specifications and or perspectives of a huge lens. 

You embrace those you perhaps, faulted and chastise yourself for being young and unwise and vice versa. You accept that you aren't just human but they are too. You respect people's efforts at their own growth within their own paces just as you allow yourself to mature in your ways.

Yes, mistakes do not define you but they should shape your thoughts and deeds. They are mistakes purely for humane reasons. Allow yourself and others to grow.

And while you are still striving to be an awesome being, find what gives you peace and enjoy your life.

DEAR SINGLE LADIES

DEAR SINGLE LADIES,

Live life to the fullest.

Do not equate marriage with success. Live your life as luxuriously as you can in its single form. That’s the only sure way to live luxuriously as a married woman. The way you live your single life is what will transform into being married.


As a married woman, there are days you’ll find yourself in situations that require courage, pure faith, astute strength, absolute confidence, psychological will power and all the accolades you can gather as a woman. If you manage to do all these and keep your head up, marriage will be a walk in the air for you.


Do not bother waiting for marriage. Let marriage come to you. Some of the men these days are not serious. Enjoy your life as much as you can by doing all the things you love and all that makes you feel whole.


If you wish to dress like a married woman, please do me the honors. If you want to wear seductive lingeries in the confines of your room, please be my guest. If you wish to go on a one woman honeymoon, by all means, make it pleasurable for yourself. Let no person make you feel inadequate because you have no man to ‘complement’ you. Don’t allow them to make mockery of the choices you make. A man is just another human being created by God. Let God lead his way to you. 


Let not those who think dressing up like a married woman gives you some form of status in a society, get the better part of you. What gives you status is your state of mind and your beliefs. What gives you status is how you carry yourself and live a worthy life. What gives you status is the pride you feel when you look into the mirror and see a copy of your lovely self.


Dear single ladies, 


 If you wish to attain educational and financial heights, please do not let the devil in any chauvinist shroud stop you. Do it for your own sake. Do it for the progeny or Ummah that will come through you. Do it, to pride the God that created you. Oh yes, Do it and enjoy the blessings that come with it. 


Do not let the siblings of spite, vengeance, show off and the ‘all inclusive’ push you into attaining heights that you have no business with. Be humble in your quest for knowledge, remain sincere and straightforward in your thirst for financial independence. And while at it, love every phase that comes with its growth. 


In the event that you lose yourself or feel down trodden, take a pause to rejuvenate, be courageous enough to pick yourself up, dust up, press the restart button, or continue from whence you left off. Remember, you can only be proud of yourself when you prove to be better to your own self. You are a powerful force on your own. And that’s resilient enough! The man that comes to meet this, if he’s worth it, will love every bit of you for it. 


Dear single ladies,


Be passionate about courtesy and build on your character. Character is not what you pretend to have. It’s who you truly are and that’s what will take you to places including keeping your future home. Please do not be complacent; build on it and live a life worthy of emulation. Strive to live God consciously. Strive for your own peace of mind. Strive to make yourself happy. That’s a sure way to have peace and contentment as a married woman. 

Live life to your fullest.

Sincerely yours,

Miss A.F.A - A tried and tested source. A living testimony of all that’s written. Another Product of Allah’s Mercies in abundance.