THE OLD AND DEMENTIA/ALZHEIMER'S

During a brief errand, I visited a home I'd known for six years and left deeply affected. The head of the household, who used to recognize me as "Ayisha, so and so's wife," would inquire about my family and engage in heartfelt Hausa conversations. He was one of the few individuals in that household with whom I could comfortably converse in Hausa. However, today, the effects of dementia or Alzheimer's have left our connection fragmented and me shattered.

This year, as an ailment had consumed him for two long years, his speech had become slurred and significantly delayed. It took considerable time, and sometimes even his recognition was uncertain. Our usual simple conversations had become impossible, as he struggled to articulate words, leaving me standing there in bewilderment. I turned my attention to his wife, who had grown thin and frail from caring for him throughout these challenging years. This was just one of the numerous heartbreaking scenarios I've encountered.

It's incredibly distressing to witness individuals who used to warmly mention your name and embrace you whenever they saw you now struggling to recognize or remember you due to the gradual deterioration of their memories and essential mental functions caused by a disease. Many in our societies have faced similar challenges and regrettably been unfairly stigmatized. Whenever I encounter such situations, I can't help but fear for my own old age, if I'll ever live to see it.

Today, during my Eid Reflections, I choose to dedicate my thoughts to those who are battling to maintain their health. I remember the countless family members who stand by their side, providing unwavering support during their time of illness. These individuals often endure physical, emotional, psychological, and financial strains in caring for their loved ones.

May all of us, including those facing these challenges, find peace and tranquility in every aspect of our lives, wherever we may be in the world. May the trials we endure today return to us on the Day of Reckoning as accrued blessings beyond measure.

And I pray that as we navigate our daily lives, we take moments to offer prayers for those who cross our minds, extending kindness and empathy to those in need.

Eid Mubarak! May Allah accept from us. Aameen.

Death Should Make Us Reflect

In our times, if you attend an Islamic funeral, the best for you, a striving believer, is to sit far from people if you want to reflect upon death and be reciting your zhikrs. At first, I thought you only had to stay away from those you know but it seems you'd simply have to stay away from nearly all human interactions. 

People gossip while the body is still warm and yet to be buried. People laugh, even louder while the dead is being bathed. And people swear and cuss without realising that they could be the ones waiting to be prayed upon.

And when it's decided that the third day will be observed as a 'du'a' day for the dead, people troop in just to fight over rabbo (gifts) and food shared at the funeral grounds. The rabbo was initiated in order to serve as sadaqa (or continuous charity) on behalf of the dead (as I recall growing up) but it has now lost its relevance. People fight over it right at the funeral grounds and others get pissed at the person sharing them for either not giving them some, not giving them enough or not letting them have what they wanted from it. Some of the rabbos are even preserved for 'protocols'. Protocols, even at the funeral.

Our people shout for people to make merry at our funerals. We pridefully eat and enjoy while laughing heartily with the bereaved. People actually have fun at Islamic funerals these days.

In all of this, I ask myself, Who Are The Company You Keep? Do you have a family that upholds Islam even in death?! Do you have friends that have sense? Forget about who will cry; Who will genuinely pray for you when you die and continuosly remember to do so?! And how are they going to send you off?!

May Allah guide us and the entire ummah. The people supposed to live Islam are scarier by day.

Growth!

As many great minds have said, "It is only a fool that never changes his mind." As you grow, you understand how trivial some things are in the specifications and or perspectives of a huge lens. 

You embrace those you perhaps, faulted and chastise yourself for being young and unwise and vice versa. You accept that you aren't just human but they are too. You respect people's efforts at their own growth within their own paces just as you allow yourself to mature in your ways.

Yes, mistakes do not define you but they should shape your thoughts and deeds. They are mistakes purely for humane reasons. Allow yourself and others to grow.

And while you are still striving to be an awesome being, find what gives you peace and enjoy your life.

DEAR SINGLE LADIES

DEAR SINGLE LADIES,

Live life to the fullest.

Do not equate marriage with success. Live your life as luxuriously as you can in its single form. That’s the only sure way to live luxuriously as a married woman. The way you live your single life is what will transform into being married.


As a married woman, there are days you’ll find yourself in situations that require courage, pure faith, astute strength, absolute confidence, psychological will power and all the accolades you can gather as a woman. If you manage to do all these and keep your head up, marriage will be a walk in the air for you.


Do not bother waiting for marriage. Let marriage come to you. Some of the men these days are not serious. Enjoy your life as much as you can by doing all the things you love and all that makes you feel whole.


If you wish to dress like a married woman, please do me the honors. If you want to wear seductive lingeries in the confines of your room, please be my guest. If you wish to go on a one woman honeymoon, by all means, make it pleasurable for yourself. Let no person make you feel inadequate because you have no man to ‘complement’ you. Don’t allow them to make mockery of the choices you make. A man is just another human being created by God. Let God lead his way to you. 


Let not those who think dressing up like a married woman gives you some form of status in a society, get the better part of you. What gives you status is your state of mind and your beliefs. What gives you status is how you carry yourself and live a worthy life. What gives you status is the pride you feel when you look into the mirror and see a copy of your lovely self.


Dear single ladies, 


 If you wish to attain educational and financial heights, please do not let the devil in any chauvinist shroud stop you. Do it for your own sake. Do it for the progeny or Ummah that will come through you. Do it, to pride the God that created you. Oh yes, Do it and enjoy the blessings that come with it. 


Do not let the siblings of spite, vengeance, show off and the ‘all inclusive’ push you into attaining heights that you have no business with. Be humble in your quest for knowledge, remain sincere and straightforward in your thirst for financial independence. And while at it, love every phase that comes with its growth. 


In the event that you lose yourself or feel down trodden, take a pause to rejuvenate, be courageous enough to pick yourself up, dust up, press the restart button, or continue from whence you left off. Remember, you can only be proud of yourself when you prove to be better to your own self. You are a powerful force on your own. And that’s resilient enough! The man that comes to meet this, if he’s worth it, will love every bit of you for it. 


Dear single ladies,


Be passionate about courtesy and build on your character. Character is not what you pretend to have. It’s who you truly are and that’s what will take you to places including keeping your future home. Please do not be complacent; build on it and live a life worthy of emulation. Strive to live God consciously. Strive for your own peace of mind. Strive to make yourself happy. That’s a sure way to have peace and contentment as a married woman. 

Live life to your fullest.

Sincerely yours,

Miss A.F.A - A tried and tested source. A living testimony of all that’s written. Another Product of Allah’s Mercies in abundance.

AGING...

Ever held the hands of the sick, the old, bedridden or a dying person?

My father was an astute sports man but none of it showed when he got bedridden for nearly 9 months at the hospital. An accident had left him frail, weak and unable to move most of his limbs without help. When you touched his hands, arms, legs or any part in order to wash or help him move, it felt old, weightless and nearly lifeless. Worse case, his situation ‘smelled’ to me like a pain that had probably come to stay. I was young then, so I never thought or hoped beyond him getting better. So his death, like many others, shocked the living out of my then 15 years old body. I had to fake tears.

My grandfather, actually my grand uncle, one of my favorite people to live, was quite the tallest, most energetic and caring man I knew. The cotton softness of his palms, the weakness in his bones and his inability to walk without a support always reminds me of the memory of him I keep. One of him walking gracefully to me in Senior High school with some food stuff in hand. Apart from an Aunty, he was the only one who ever came to check up on me in school. He was and has always been my hero and holding his hands, kneeling and talking to him now, only breaks my heart. His voice is weak, his movement is slow, old age caught up with him while we were not looking. Him telling me about how he now remembers having felt burdened when he had to take care of his own father in his kind of state, made him feel like he was a terrible son, made me shiver. Life caught up with him while we were unbothered!

My step grandmother whom I have always known as a beautiful woman lays nearly lifeless. Fair, not tall and not very short with beautiful hair and a great figure. She has been in bed for a while now and can hardly even blink. Touching her, kissing her face, smearing du’as all over her body, made me lose sight of the world in which we live. And this makes me regret all the days I declined eating the tz she’d cook whenever I visited. As we frantically searched for our purposes in life, we did not see this coming our way.

These days, I like to think that I’m old. At least, old enough because I see my child and I’m reminded of the ages where I only could talk to my mother and aunties by raising my head up. I like to think that I’m old because of my own collection of experiences in life. But even while assuming this, I’m hit by a deep realization of ‘How did I even get here?’ A sober reflection of The Who I am, what I am, where I’m from, where I'm headed, only brings to mind, FOR WHAT PURPOSE WAS I CREATED? If I do not die any time soon, how do I walk hand in hand with life so it doesn’t catch me unguarded?!

As Muhammad Ali has said, “Old age is just a record of one’s whole life”. How well do you live your days?! Do you live them in appreciation of being blessed with that day? Do you live them in glory and with the knowledge that if you do not die any moment soon, you will be happy with a life well lived? And in your hustle and bustles, do you pause and carefully look at your reflection in the mirror and see that you are different from what you were before? A character or personality build up? 

That’s your old age catching up with you. If you haven't, take a day and visit any old folk. Any sick person. Pray for them and have them pray for you. Then while at it, LOVE AND RESPECT OLD AGE BECAUSE YOU ARE AGEING TOO AND BEFORE YOU KNOW IT...

IN THE DARK

It was light out and the entire place was Black. Except an occasional light from my phone, I could see nothing. Not even my own finger. I felt nothing. Not even my strongest sentiments. I could not hear anything. Not even my own breath or heart beat. Only deafening silence which kept recurring. I wondered: was that how the grave was going to be? Was that what the dead were seeing and feeling in their graves?

Is there any light that will occasionally shine through in their graves? I’d just been in the darkness for less than an hour and I already could not bear it. I pondered: was that how the dead were already feeling in their individual graves?! How could they bare such for days, weeks, months, years and even centuries?! Glory is to God.

We are soaked in sin. Some are dripping wet from so much regret. How could we have never thought of even just this before any attempt to sin?! How could we not just see darkness around us in our graves someday before disobeying our creator?! God Forgive us. God have Mercy on us. We simply have no inkling on what we do. But You surely Know Best.

A LETTER TO THE MOTHER OR CUSTODIAN OF THE BRIDE TO - BE

Dear Mama,

A PLEA TO TRANSITION FROM YOUR GOLDEN ERA TO A DIAMOND ERA

I pray this letter finds you in great health and an ever increasing state of eeman. I pray that as i scribble these few words in the Great Month of Ramadhan, the blessings that you accrue not only grants you Janna but Shields you (By The Mercy of Allah) from decisions or deeds that may harm you and us, your progeny.

Mama, if you can recall, for years, I've been making funny comments and giving suggestions about how I'd want my Nikkah to be. But as my mother, you've always taken it on the lighter note. I admire that spirit of making light of situations in you. However, sincerely, Mama, that's my way of telling you that i prefer a quiet Nikkah.

I've grown to like the culture by which you brought me up. And the culture of marriage among families. The culture that I believe, was adapted by the generation before you. The culture that I know you do not even know does not belong to you. The culture that does not define us, as Muslims.

I've sat at a short distance and watched how our families and friends have conducted their Nikkah. And i must say, it's a beautiful culture. From the day the bride is bathed and designed with henna to the day the knot is tied. From the moment the Imam finally declares "Agalamba, Ajalamba" (a signatory to being husband and wife) to the moment the bride is ushered to dance in our local reception "Ashiga Fudufudu" I've admired them all simply because it's a culture that reminds me of my root and its people or indigents. I've admired them all because i loved to feed my eyes with how the bride moves to the rhythm of the beats or songs played. I've admired them simply because the bride always looked radiant, if not beautiful.

But Mama, I've come to understand a few things as i grow and reflect. A simple Nikkah is often the best. Why? Because it relieves both couple and families of so much stress and so many evil eyes. Why? Because most of the brides I've seen have either exposed their sensitive body parts or been made to do so which otherwise goes completely contrary to the tenets of covering up that were gracefully imbibed in the Islamic Culture. Mind you, i know and understand that Islamic Culture is so different from Our Traditions.

Mama, as I write to you, I grieve. Why?  Because, in as much as you'd want to revel in the feeling of praise for conducting my Nikkah by the community's standards, I believe, as your daughter, the standards that I choose as a young striving Muslim woman, should be of prime salience to you. Contrary to what you think "they" will say when you allow me to fully cover up on my wedding day, God in his infinite knowledge and Mercies, has made things easier for us so why bother?!  Again, I say why bother about what they think or will say.

Ah well, Mama, I believe we're all entitled to do what gives us comfort. However, in all we do, we strive, no matter how difficult it is, to first serve and please our creator. Now, since you can accept for others to choose being exposed, fixing weaves, nails, eye lashes and what have you on the day they willfully decide to serve Allah under a man whose dowry they accept, why then won't you allow me to do as I please on my big day too?! Is it, a case of 'Different Strokes for Different folks?!'.

Mama, I simply don't see the difficulty in this if you prefer to please Allaah other than our community. I love you. I respect you. I admire you. Well, of course, I do so because you bore, weaned and raised me for years. And that alone should influence you on making things easier on me for my big day. 

I'm sorry to be a bit blunt, Mama. But for what reason will you make me endure all these when all my life, I've been avoiding them. Remember, I'd never dance in "Ashiga Fudu Fudu". Not that I abhor it, but that has always been my nature. They even called me "Colloquial" or at best,  "Too Knowing", remember?! Why then shouldn't I be just what "they" think of me?! If you can easily accept that others continue the culture transferred to you by those before you, why not accept my conditions as well?! I sure believe  that, What is good for the goose, is equally relevant or good for the gander.

Dear Mama,  please I know my sisters, (a lot unnamed), have cried about their wedding days and wished things had been done differently. As such, I pray to you. I'm on bended knees that you help me please Allaah and enter my new home without strife and with your blessings but by the unlimited Mercies and Pleasure of Allah. I pray you help me fulfill the obligations required of me by Our Creator. Please know that I'm not saying that you invite me to sin but I'm imploring that you help me do a better good.

Yes, God did not say we shouldn't celebrate a beautiful union if we have the means. Yes, he does not stop us from feeling good and looking gorgeous on our big days. But, He certainly puts an exception to those Rules. They should be done in His way taught us by The Exemplar Beyond Compare, Rasuul (S. A.W.) He prefers we do it without hurting ourselves via extravagance that may end in debts after the ceremony. Extravagance that we may or not have.

God's given us a beautiful choice, Mama. Let's not, stress 'us' with a host of community's wantons. You think they will make fun of or insult you if you grant my  wish? As Allah expects of me? Ah!  But they do that to everyone aai?! When one does good that disturbs them, 'they' insult him. When you do bad that pleases 'them',  they insult you. But secretly praise you for firmly upholding the Principles of Islam. Such is the way of the forgetful one, man.

I implore you my Mama, I know you want the best for me. I admire and respect you for that and more. I know you lived and still live in a golden era but I'd love us to transition into a diamond one. One that brings us more blessings and less problems. I pray you understand me and do not take this the wrong way. I pray that as I sign off, this touches your heart and makes you increase your du'a for better offspring. Offspring that will respectfully and genuinely uphold the banner of Islam, In Shaa Allaah.

Assallaamu aleiykum wa rahmatullah wa barakatuh. Jazzaakilaahu Khairan, Mama.

Your daughter,

Diamond In The Rough